Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Wow... what to say. It has been so long and my life has taken many curves and turns as it winds along the road. A road which we must all travel. I have chosen a road which is not easy. The road of one who works to trust Someone who is much greater than myself. A road which tells me to let go. Letting go does not come easy to me. I like to steer my life along the roads I choose. The roads which are easy to see far ahead. The roads which do not require trust. However, these roads are not as easy as they appear. Potholes are there, but are disguised. Ice is black and blends in with the road... and I am still not in control. The difference? Now, no one is in control. I would rather allow my Father and my Lord to steer for me. But I need to learn to trust. Not to be the backseat driver, telling Him which way to go, how fast to take me, when to slow down, or to watch out. I have to remember that I CHOSE to let Him steer. It is time to let go and trust.

Friday, August 03, 2007

My life continues to take interesting turns down the roads of life. In the last year, I have come through physical pain and confusion that I still don't really understand. I have run headlong into heart pain that still brings tears to my eyes. Most importantly, I have fought against God. Spiritually, my world turned to shambles and is only now beginning to be built up again. I make decisions. But they are so often the wrong ones. I have choices. But so often they seem predetermined. I want to love God. I want to please Him before all else. Yet still I rebel.

I have been reading a fiction book lately by Dee Henderson called Before I Wake. The book is good, and as usual I find myself surprised by how often there is so much within the pages and between the lines in a mere fiction book. I am constantly being reminded (mostly by myself) that I should be reading something more substantial than a fiction book. I should be alternating between good solid reading, and the flimsy stuff that some authors have the nerve to publish. (just kidding). But then I find myself reading a book which, despite being just fiction, puts me exactly where I need to be. God speaks through all kinds of things.

Recently, I have been asking questions concerning whether God is really in control of my life, as well as if He is really working my life towards a GOOD end. Why would I have desires for good things that I am not supposed to have?

The character in the book seems to have similar struggles or at least similar questions. She says, "I think trusting that God is good is one of the hardest steps there is to take. We get conditioned to expect to be let down. We get conditioned to not trust, because we trusted and we get burned. We get conditioned to be reserved and not take things at face value because we've learned nothing is ever at face value in life.
"We have no relationships that come close to the relationship we are called to have with God. With God, one side is perfect. The other side, our side, is clinging on by a prayer, asking 'forgive me; please let grace cover my sins.' We can hold that relationship with God only because He's reaching over and holding us up to His level, not because we can ever reach to His level."

These are some of my thoughts for now.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Hey Everyone!
so yeah... I haven't totally dropped off the face of the planet. Relationships take time and work, and mine ended in such a way that I couldn't write for a long time. But I'm working on getting it back again.

I'm reading a great book about a detective right now. It is very well written. I love the quotes inserted throughout it. For example, the following quote is from Sherlock Holmes The Naval Treaty:

"Watson here will tell you that I never can resist a touch of the dramatic."

and neither can I. I'll be writing!

God's Creation is Magnificent!
I am always amazed at the way plants are so nicely coordinated. They don't clash, or when they do it comes across funky... as if it is done on purpose. And the millions of ways that flowers are designed. A plant just looks like a plant, ... until it flowers. Suddenly, it is an Orange Beauty Canna. Or it is a Creme Brulee Heuchera. Or Galahad Delphinium. So awesome. God is so awesome.

Friday, September 08, 2006

What Wondrous Love Is This...

My friend is getting married tomorrow and my thoughts flowed out through my hands as such...

... the big day is only one night away. You probably won't get this message until after the honeymoon, but that's okay. I'm so, so, so happy for you. I know that you have been waiting for a long time for this day to come. And it finally has. You get to walk down that aisle and move on to a life with a husband instead of a father. What that must be like. I know that you will always have your family, but now it will be your husband that you seek to please, after your heavenly Father. Rather than mom and dad. I'm joyous for you. I can't wait to see you in that beautiful dress, moving down the path to your future, as God has planned it. Isn't He a wonderful God. He has amazing plans for all of our lives. Sometimes it is hard to see that. Sometimes... like when we're annoyed with our parents... or... we can't seem to make the grades we were hoping for... or... we can't seem to find a job in the time that we have allotted for it... or... we are in an insane amount of pain but we feel like a wimp when we mention it... or even just that we don't feel close to God... or... like me, we don't understand why God would give us such an incredible love for someone, only to pull them away after the blessing of their company for such a short time. I'm so thankful that God has a plan despite these upsets and pains and lingering hurting souls. Despite my own pain of late, I feel God's Hands working the playdoh of my life (do I dare even call it clay) to mold me into the woman of God that He is calling me to be. I cry out against Him at times, begging Him to bring my world back into focus, but then He reminds me that when my world is in focus, I forget that I need Him, and I go back to planning the way I want my life to run. Oh God. I need you. I love you. Hold me and comfort my longing heart. Heal me my Father. Teach me the wisdom of the path I dare not tread alone. Guide my wandering heart and bring it back to you. Love me as only You can truly love me. As only You can love me with the perfect love of a perfect Creator for His imperfect children.

Friday, April 07, 2006

She Was Going To Miss Living On Her Own

And something from now... how am I feeling right now... well... I guess this kind of sums up one of the feelings that I'm feeling right now. My roomie and I are going separate ways next year. Life is too expensive here.

she packed her bags;
was going home. She was
going to miss it;
to be happy, yet sad:
miss life on her own,
living with her roommate.
on days that it hurt,
her time would be her
own, to find her again.

Down to Ashes

WOW... has it been forever or what?!?!

Here is a poem I wrote last semester and fixed up and kinda liked... although it is really sad also. It is a sonnet called:

Down to Ashes
In the center of the bare room, she stands
and stares across to the fire, burning
brightly at first, but slowly smoldering.
She holds crisply stiff paper in limp hands
as if it shouts to her in the cold silence.
Her starkly empty house gives mere echoes
of peaceful homes she'd dreamed of, but now closed
off completely to her longings. A fence
that has no gate, closed firmly to the world,
the unrestrained world to which he has gone,
leaving her to wake up to every dawn
to find only the letter, edges harshly curled
from the cold embers of her deadened life,
the most honored title stripped away, "Wife."

It has a lot of deeper meanings. You figure them out. An interesting way to spend some time. Take it seriously, though, eh? A dangerous place to land yourself in life, I'd think.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


I have so much to be thankful for, and I think that so do you. Some days it doesn't seem like it. Some days it just seems like there is nothing to be thankful for. Our grandparents are getting older and, oftentimes, sicker. Our loans aren't coming through for us in the way we might hope. Our brothers and sisters argue and fight. Where's the love that you were sure used to be there. Don't they love each other anymore? Classes are busy, and your always behind. Work isn't always so pleasant. Your supervisor's a jerk, and you don't know how to deal with them. The house is dirty and messy, and you have no time to clean it. Your bored on Saturday, and you wish that you had plans for the weekend. The weather is misty and rainy. How are you supposed to go for a bike ride down to the corner store in such gross weather. And what about your great friend who is suddenly to busy for you.
I'm pretty sure though that our lives aren't really that bad.
Our grandparents are still traveling and when they come to visit, they have big smiles on their faces just to see you. We are able to attend amazing Schools where we learn so much, and we always make it through with enough money. Somebody is still providing for us. Our siblings love us, even if they don't always love each other. They show it in little ways, that are sometimes hard to notice through the fog of discontent. Our family is growing up and a brother or sister is getting married. Classes are fascinating, and we are learning so much and enjoying it so much. Even when we stay up until 1:30 working on those papers last minute. We have jobs, and we are making a bit of extra needed money. Just smile and keep working when that supervisor's being so dumb. You'll get through it. You can clean your house, watch a movie, get caught up in school, sleep in, read a book, and still have time to spare on Saturday. The weather was fantastic all through September. Summer in September almost makes up for mist and rain in October. We were able to get lots of bike rides in in September. We can spend the indoor time working on that scrapbooking and craft that we've been putting off for the last 5 months. Our friend who doesn't always see us is a learning experience wherein we are forced to make an effort from the other side, rather than always leave that specific job to them.
We got to visit with friends and family over the holiday long weekend. We keep on meeting new people and making new friends all the time. We develop new relationships which are fun and awesome. Bible study rocks and is an amazing learning experience. We are getting closer to God and to our family and to our closest of friends. We are learning more about ourselves, about our strengths and weaknesses, about what we can handle, about when to be bold and when to back off, about our capacity to love, about our understanding of God, about how we no longer need to work to feel special because there is someone else who is working to make us feel special without our ever needing to try.
Yes. I am thankful.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Interview Questions!

Interview Questions

1. If you could get rid of one thing about yourself, what would it be?
If I had could get rid of one thing about myself, I would get rid of... well... it would depend if I got to have something back or not. For example, I hate my teeth because they aren't in very good condition, but I certainly wouldn't want to be toothless. Maybe I'd just get rid of my hyper side... jk... that would be way too boring, and I happen to have a friend who likes my hyper side. Do you know what?.. I don't think I would have to get rid of anything... I'm pretty much quite amazing just the way I am... jk. Seriously... probably my ability to get downright mean and b---
itchy when I am in a bad sorta mood.

2. How do you know you are a Christian?
I know that I am a Christian because I have trusted in Christ and asked Him to forgive me for the sins that I have committed and continue to commit each day. The Bible promises forgiveness to all those who turn to Jesus Christ and repent of their sins, begging for forgiveness, and turning their lives over to Him.

3. Are skittles or smarties better?
Skittles are definitly better. I love chocolate and smarties are great when you smush them first, but skittles have to sit in first place. They are soooooo good, especially because they are fruity.

4. Who do you count as inspirations in your life?
Paul... from the Bible... he was very bold, and I tend to be quite bold as well.

Jesus... He is the only one worth looking up to in every single way.

My parents... they love me even when I act like I don't love them.

A friend of mine... who doesn't give up and will listen to your opinion though he's opinionated.

Christine (another friend of mine)... who has been praying for me for years now.

Sarah (my best friend and sister)... who has put up with a lot of stuff from me considering it has taken me a long time to understand the reasoning behind some of the things that she insisted were true.

Kev (my twin brother)... who has challenged me to think about the way I am and to make my own decisions about the person that I am and will be.

Dan (my older bro)... who is honest and open with me even when it is a sensitive issue, simply because it needs to be addressed.

Stef (bro #3)... because he is so soft-hearted towards me.

Dyl (#4)... because he has taught me that it is okay to be crazy.

and so many more people that I don't have time or space to name and explain.

5. What is a snurp? ;)
I don't know... I know what a snerp is, but I have never heard of a snurp, and I refuse to divulge what a snerp is.

And don’t forget to post the rules below:

Anyone else interested? Email or leave a "Yes, please!" comment. Here's the rules.

1. Leave me a comment saying "interview me." The first five are the lucky winners. 2. I will email you with five questions. 3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)