My life continues to take interesting turns down the roads of life. In the last year, I have come through physical pain and confusion that I still don't really understand. I have run headlong into heart pain that still brings tears to my eyes. Most importantly, I have fought against God. Spiritually, my world turned to shambles and is only now beginning to be built up again. I make decisions. But they are so often the wrong ones. I have choices. But so often they seem predetermined. I want to love God. I want to please Him before all else. Yet still I rebel.

I have been reading a fiction book lately by Dee Henderson called Before I Wake. The book is good, and as usual I find myself surprised by how often there is so much within the pages and between the lines in a mere fiction book. I am constantly being reminded (mostly by myself) that I should be reading something more substantial than a fiction book. I should be alternating between good solid reading, and the flimsy stuff that some authors have the nerve to publish. (just kidding). But then I find myself reading a book which, despite being just fiction, puts me exactly where I need to be. God speaks through all kinds of things.

Recently, I have been asking questions concerning whether God is really in control of my life, as well as if He is really working my life towards a GOOD end. Why would I have desires for good things that I am not supposed to have?

The character in the book seems to have similar struggles or at least similar questions. She says, "I think trusting that God is good is one of the hardest steps there is to take. We get conditioned to expect to be let down. We get conditioned to not trust, because we trusted and we get burned. We get conditioned to be reserved and not take things at face value because we've learned nothing is ever at face value in life.
"We have no relationships that come close to the relationship we are called to have with God. With God, one side is perfect. The other side, our side, is clinging on by a prayer, asking 'forgive me; please let grace cover my sins.' We can hold that relationship with God only because He's reaching over and holding us up to His level, not because we can ever reach to His level."

These are some of my thoughts for now.